I tell Mom school lets out at 3:20, but the last bell actually rings at 3:00. She’s punctual. That, her cooking, and something else she giggles at but never says are the three reasons dad married her. Everyone at school says the reason my dad married her is because she’s the hottest, but they’re wrong. Ms. Shelly is the hottest. She apparently got a lot of money when Mr. Shelly left her for some Natch and used most of it to get a primo Updoo. I make Mom pick me up late so I can see Ms. Shelly every day, since she isn’t punctual. Maybe that’s the real reason that Ms. Shelly’s divorced.
I see her Honda pulling up to the curb to pick up Erica and get that feeling I don’t like when I see something I really want but might not ever get. As Erica is about to open the car door I run over with my thumbs tucked underneath my backpack straps.
“Erica! Hey, Erica.”
“What?” she rolls her eyes.
“Can you tell me what the algebra homework was, I forgot to write it down.”
“Um…”
I bend my head around and wave into the window. It rolls down. “Oh hey, Ms. Shelly!”
“Hey, hon.” Hon, oh god. “How’s your mom doing?”
“She’s good. How are you?” I smile, still looking cool with my thumbs under the straps.
“I don’t remember what the homework was,” Erica interrupts.
I hear her speak but am still looking in the window, waiting for Ms. Shelly to answer my question.
“And I don’t feel like pulling out my planner,” Erica says.
“Hey, no problem, Erica.” She opens the door and steps inside. “Bye, Ms. Shelly,” I say, raising my neck as the window slides up.
A few minutes later my Mom pulls up in our BMW and I look around at the other kiddos being jealous of it since their dads don’t make big time movies. Mom’s all dressed up like a whore and makes a scene honking the horn when she picks me up. We’re passing the Updoo spots on Plastic Ave. since that’s the way home and she keeps asking me if I want a new nose for Summer. I tell her I’m still not up for Updoos.
“Are you worried you’ll get a botch?” she says.
“No.”
“The kids in school will think you look different.”
“Listen, Mom.” I think about explaining to her how she is extremely off base here. Ms. Shelly’s old husband was all about the Natch look. He was Natch, the younger girl he left his bonkers hot wife for was a Natch. All about the Natch stuff over there, except Ms. Shelly, obviously. But she’s not going with the Plastic trends, she got the primo timeless look. So if that means I need to go Natural too and skip out on the Updoos in order to make it with Ms. Shelly then that’s what I’m going to do, Mom. “Everything’s like totally copacetic, so let’s bypass this Updoo talk.”
Once we’re back home I hear dad is still on set and think that’s the dulls for me but cool for him, I bet. I eat a whole bunch of Vitasnacks that Mom provides for my bumpy skin and to give me a primo puberty. Then I stretch my face around in the mirror and imagine what I might look like if I did get some Plastics, since that stuff Mom said in the car was pretty harsh, lady.
Up in my room I’m scrolling through Fetchy and looking at a lot of bonkers memes, like crazy stuff I don’t get why people post being it makes them look extremely dull. Erica: primo example, who thinks that just because the kiddos are interested in her big time she can repost number one memes and expect no one to know she just totally ripped them off from someone else. I may not get all the upvotes for my memes but at least I’m making my own content.
Apparently there is this bonzo GIF going around that is also primo and everyone is sharing it with each other on Fetchy. Some zero tier celebrity who was on a reality show that not even Mom watches went bonkers screaming about how she’s an “actual human being” and everyone else is “trashy Plastic.” She’s crying in the video and really bringing the Natches into the dulls since we would not be electing her as a representative and now I’m wondering if the kiddos are going to think I sit here thinking those things too.
The next day in class I’m sitting next to Erica and neither of us are listening to this talk at the front from Teacher. She’s on some Plastic app trying on different faces and I’m staring at her various Updoos on the screen.
“That one looks nice on you,” I lean over and whisper.
“What do you know, Natch,” she says, almost loud enough that Teacher might hear. Trying to date Erica is so hard due to most of the kiddos wanting to date her which makes her think she is ultra plus plus. Someone should really tell her people only want to date her because her mom is really talented in the looks department, but that would then totally ruin any chances of that someone eventually making it with her mom.
At lunch I sit with the other Natches. They’re the only ones who don’t try to be my friend in order to make it with my mom seeing as they know they don’t have a chance. I’m usually pretty quiet and they mostly complain about their parents not having enough money to buy them Updoos or being against Plastics in general relating to the botches. Neither of those are an issue for me though with dad making primo income and Mom knowing the best doctors. Instead I just eat my Vitasnacks mostly silent and try to make a few memes on Fetchy but my whole feed is just more stuff relating to that Natch woman going bonkers that I saw last night. Right as I’m thinking that this is going to get extreme attention for a while, Candice comes to my table and begins to rip on me as usual.
“Sup, Natchy Natchy no face.”
“Hello, Candice.”
“Anyone tell you that you look like a boy version of the NatchQueen?” and she waits for me to respond but I’m still thinking so then she makes an ugly face at me.
I can’t think of anything clever so I just mouth pretend sentences at her, saying nothing. She gets plus plus upset by this seeing as her hearing got botched some time ago due to a lift related Updoo. Now she sits in the front of the class rather than wearing her hearing aids, since they look extremely dull. So she grabs me by the neck and smooshes the front and side of my head into the table but I’m trying to keep it very cool, as if it were not painful even though it is extremely.
“Your puberty pills are making you tough now? Huh?”
“Big. Time,” I manage to say through the side of my lips.
This just makes her squeeze my neck harder until Chad comes over and is like, hey, lay off him. Chad is pretty much the most popular in school because not only does he get reasonably decent Updoos but more so because his memes are primo and he even gets upvotes from random people not at school. I tell Chad, big time thanks man, and he wants to kind of hang around me for a bit after trying to be ultra friendly, but I know he’s only doing this because he wants to make it with my mom.
Since he won’t go away and has his thumbs under his backpack trying to be cool, I ask him if he has any ideas of what he’s going to make for the recent NatchQueen meme. He tells me an idea he has, very excited, and I’m smirking since I’m definitely planning to steal it and make the meme myself.
Later that day Mom picks me up after I finish asking Erica about homework and smiling at Ms. Shelly. While we’re driving through Plastic Ave. I’m considering if making it with Ms. Shelly is worth all the dulls at school I get for being a Natch. I still wouldn’t care for Updoos every month in order to look primo, but some other Plastics would be very plus plus. Like a NuDerm treatment to get rid of my bumpy skin, for example, so I don’t have to eat so many Vitasnacks. Or even one of those BlushDowns so Ms. Shelly wouldn’t see my face get red when I say hi to her from outside of the Honda.
Dad’s not home when we get back, again, so I go up to my room and make that NatchQueen meme Chad had provided. Even though I don’t really get it he is gifted in the meme department and I figure it must be extremely funny. Before hitting the Post button I get that feeling of wanting something but not being sure I’ll ever get it. I try to distract myself while the upvotes are coming in and think about how I do kind of look like the NatchQueen if she were a guy, which is dull for me.
After ten minutes, the urge to check how many upvotes I received becomes ultra unbearable so I press the home button and see that I am a big time genius for knowing I should steal Chad’s meme. When I look at the accounts upvoting me I see they’re from all the kiddos at school and then more accounts of other kiddos outside school and even some full grown adults! People I’ve never met before and therefore do not just want to make it with my mom are following my account now. As I’m scrolling and pressing the following back button as quick as I can, my heart suddenly stops. I see one of the accounts is Ms. Shelly. Oh god. Something extreme is happening in the tippy bottom of my stomach.
I start going through her account and she’s been going on an upvote spree and is bonkers about this NatchQueen meme. She’s followed over two hundred new accounts in the past day, which is a bit dull of a move. I’m wondering if I even know this lady anymore, my sweet, primo Ms. Shelly. Then it occurs to me. How I’ve had it all wrong this whole time. MS. SHELLY DOESN’T LIKE NATCHES! Duh. God. Her husband, his younger model, both Natches. She hates them and that! And that is why I haven’t made it with her.
I try to go to bed but end up looking at Ms. Shelly’s Fetchy account until 3:00 am.
The next day at school I’m not even tired even though I got zero sleep seeing as I know everyone is going to be very excited to see me. Before homeroom I hang out by my locker, just twisting the spinner around, and everyone that passes me by is patting me on the back. “Primo. Dank. Plus Plus. Based,” they say one after the other. I can see the looks in all their eyes and now know for a fact they had just been trying to make it with my mom previously.
Once we’re in homeroom and everyone leaves from crowding around my desk to go to their desks, Teacher walks in and gives me finger guns, which is dull but kind. Then, out of nowhere, Candice turns around and says so everyone can hear, “You stole Chad’s meme!”
“Did not.”
Everyone looks at Chad and sees him with his head on his desk crying, then they look at me extremely suspiciously. The rest of the day the kiddos are very upset and call me Natchy Natchy No Meme whenever I walk by. I tell myself to just bypass this negative thinking my head is doing but I’m finding that to be a hard thing to do. When school finally lets out I don’t even ask Erica what the homework was, don’t even have it in me to ignore her and look at her mom. When I get into our BMW I accidentally notice Mom got new Plastic boobs.
“And how was your day?” she says.
“Mom.”
“Yes, dear?”
“I want an Updoo.”
She goes bonkers, of course, bouncing all around in her seat, annoying me with these boobs, saying how she’s waited for this moment for so long. That she’s really excited for me even though it seems like she’s more excited for herself somehow. She asks why I’m suddenly up for an Updoo but I don’t have it in me to explain how I never really wanted to be a Natch in the first place, and that I was off base big time a la Ms. Shelly being into Natches. Mom calls her doctor and sets up an appointment for me to come by on our way home. I get worried about the BMW while she’s swerving around on Plastic Ave. trying to show me all these Updoos on her phone that would be good.
“It’s ok. I know what I want.”
At Doctor’s office there’s a red carpet leading from the sidewalk to the waiting area and some primo lady hands us champagne when we get inside after asking how Mom’s boobs are feeling. It doesn’t take long for Doctor to come out and take us back into one of the operating rooms. He’s Updooed to the point of looking like a lifesized action figure. Once we’re inside he closes the door and tells me to have a seat on this table/bed in the center of the room.
“So,” he says with his hands on his knees and this bonkers face of his level with mine, “Your mom’s told me a lot about you.” I nod. “Glad to see you’ve finally come around.”
“Yep.”
He raises his eyebrows at Mom. “Right. Now were you thinking a standard Updoo, something from the catalogue maybe? Or did you have your eyes on some general Plastics?”
“I have a picture…” I say, reaching my hand in my pocket. Mom comes over to behind my table/bed and leans over so she can see my phone too. Doctor’s eyes are shifting between my face, my phone, and Mom’s boobs. “This,” I say, showing him the NatchQueen.
“Oh. Wow,” he says.
“That is what you want?” mom says.
“That’s what I want.”
“Well, we can certainly do that,” Doctor says, “if that is what he wants.”
“If that’s what he wants…” she says.
All of a sudden a bunch of people in white clothes and masks come in and are drawing things on my face. As they’re putting the sleepy gas mask on me I’m getting that feeling usually reserved for Ms. Shelly and posting memes of wanting something I’m not sure I’ll ever get.
The next day I wake up in Doctor’s Cryosphere and my face feels tight and heavier but it doesn’t hurt. I pull a few long pieces of hair from my mouth and find it scurvy until I realize they are my hairs, my new long hairs. Mom is waiting for me in the lobby area to take me to school since the bus doesn’t stop on Plastic Ave. I can tell she doesn’t really like my Updoo but she puts on a nice face seeing as she’s glad I’m no longer bypassing Updoos all together. So what? I never like her Plastics either.
While we’re in our BMW I’m rewatching the NatchQueen GIF big time and practicing my lines so I can get them plus plus.
“Good luck today,” Mom says.
“Thanks, you trashy piece of Plastic,” I say in NatchQueens’s voice.
In the hallways the other kiddos are making big time scenes going bonkers about seeing the real life NatchQueen. Doctor’s Updoo work was so primo they don’t even know it’s me under the Plastic. I stop by Chad’s locker and in my NatchQueen voice say, “I’m a real human being!” just like in the GIF and all the kiddos laugh big time, even Chad.
It’s not until I actually take my seat in homeroom that people realize it’s been me all along. The whole class is so surprised that I no longer bypass Updoos and I can see even Candice is jealous of me. The kiddos are talking about me all around school and taking bonkers routes between classes to see me meme IRL. It’s all extremely plus plus aside from the circulation in my thumbs from keeping them under my backpack straps for so long.
After school Erica is standing next to me while we wait for her mom and hands me a sheet of paper with all of tonight’s homework written out with hearts on top of the i’s and doodlies around the border.
“So are we, like, going to date finally?” I say.
“Oh yes!”
“Primo. Can I come over today?”
“I’m trying to get an Updoo today, doctors are apparently plus plus busy but I should be able to find an opening. Can we have our date tomorrow?”
I sigh. “Sure.” And we stand in silence until Ms. Shelly’s Honda pulls up. When we go over I get that feeling except it’s all over my body instead of just my face and tummy, even though I should be excellently confident in my chances of making it with her by now.
“Hello. Madame.”
“Oh my!” Ms. Shelly starts laughing, “Look at you!”
“As you can see, I got an Updoo a la NatchQueen.”
“You did!”
“And I’m a real human being!” I say in the NatchQueen’s voice.
She’s laughing extremely hard now and so is Erica and I’m thinking I have the Shellys wrapped around my finger. “I love it,” Ms. Shelly says.
“And I love…” oh god, the tippy bottom of my stomach is tingly again. “And I gotta go. See you tomorrow, Erica.”
I don’t really mind Mom’s honking when she pulls up because it gets all the kiddos’ attention and they clap and cheer for me as I’m getting in our BMW. I make a big time smile at Mom and she smiles back.
“So the kids at school liked your Updoo?”
“Everyone thinks it’s ultra plus plus, Mom.”
“See, I’ve been telling you all along.”
It’s not the Updoo that made the difference, it was my idea that made everyone like me. I’m not going to tell her this, but it’s true.
There are bonzo lines of people out on Plastic Ave. A lot of kiddos from school and tons of others from around town. I’ve never seen it like this and I’m thinking boy am I happy I had this idea yesterday and not today.
When we get home I bypass the Vitasnacks for my skin but still have to eat the hormone gummies since the Updoo didn’t resolve my late blossoming issues. The classmates who took pictures of me started making memes using me instead of the NatchQueen. At first I’m extremely upset because that’s kind of like stealing my work for themselves. But after I see how many upvotes they’re getting I feel like I can forget this anger.
I make a GIF of myself with some new lines I thought of throughout the day and when I go to Post I realize that the feeling of wanting something but not being sure I’m going to get it totally bypasses me and instead I just feel primo about it all. I know everyone is going to like my GIF and I know Ms. Shelly will see it and laugh and eventually love me instead of it. And after I Post the upvotes confirm just how plus plus I really am.
The next day at school is bonkers. I see one kiddo, then another, then all of them went and got a NatchQueen Updoo. Everyone is, like, the same. Except they all don’t look quite right, for different reasons too. Some kids have eyepatches, others have infections, some of them have their long hairs falling out from a bad transplant, most of them over swollen and with asymmetrical features. Botches everywhere. Teacher even went and got an Updoo too, because he thinks he’s one of the kiddos. But he got an extremely bad botch and had to stay in Cryo an extra night. That’s what everyone is saying at least since we have Substitute in today. He doesn’t know the seating chart so he just takes attendance by calling everyone by their botch.
“Cantsee.” That’s Candice, since she got astigmatism and has to wear glasses now.
“Here.”
“Noaudio.” Erica got some botch on her ears so she has to wear hearing aids now.
“Present.”
“Foullip.”
“Here.”
“MemeLord.” That’s what he calls me and I nod back without saying anything.
I point to Candice and say “Trashy Plastic” in the NatchQueen voice and she puts her head down and starts crying, which made me feel dull for making her cry even though she’s a mean person. At least it made Erica laugh. I’m not super excited about having a date with her and having to stare at those things on her ears the whole time, but hopefully I’ll get to spend most of the date with Ms. Shelly.
“Hey, Erica, sorry about your botch.”
“Call me Noaudio, please.”
“Uh, sure, I guess. So, are we, like, still having our date today?”
“Huh?”
“Our date. Today.”
“Oh. Yeah!”
“Your house?”
“Um. No. We can’t go to my house today.”
“Erica! Er, Noaudio! Why?”
“We have the cleaners coming today. Can we have a date at your house?”
Now I am frustrated. Cleaners? Why do they need cleaners? Is Ms. Shelly a pig? She could be. That’d be ok I think. Whatever, it’s still copacetic. Our next date will be at her house, with the better Shelly.
“Hey, sure. That’d be primo.” I can show her all of dad’s stuff and she’ll like me even more. That way she’ll keep trying to date me even when she realizes that I’m really just trying to bypass her for her mom, increasing my chances of eventually making it with Ms. Shelly.
When Mom picks me up I tell her that Noaudio is coming back to our house with us for a date. Her face goes a little sour when she sees her hearing aids and I’m thinking, yeah I know Mom, they’re an eyesore, but you must do certain things for the ones you love. Mom calls our housekeeper on the way home and tells them to prepare for our date.
When we get there we go to the theater and there is a big spread of Vitasnacks, assorted jerkeys and champagne. I turn on one of dad’s movies that won a bunch of awards even though it’s long and boring. Noaudio is sitting next to me and is getting so close that I can feel her arm hairs tickling mine and it’s starting to send tingles to the rest of my body.
The movie is just about to get to the one good part where there are extreme explosions but right as they’re about to go off, Noaudio puts her hands on my cheeks and leans in with her eyes closed. I’m like, woah, is this about to be my first kiss? And so I do the same, but my fingers touch her hearing aids, so I bypass the cheek holding and just close my eyes and lean in too. Then her tongue goes directly against mine and this is just bonkers.
When ten minutes go by I’ve opened and closed my eyes a few times and am still not sure what to do with my hands so I put one on her boobs. Then she puts her tongue farther in my mouth and the tippy bottom of my stomach makes a beautiful explosion.
“Hey, this is really nice Noaudio, but I need to pee.”
“Ok,” she says.
I go to change and when I walk back into the theater the most ultra bonzo thing happens when I see Noaudio. I get that feeling I get and I’m wondering what the hell, body? You’re getting mixed up! And the feeling doesn’t go away the rest of the time she’s here, even though we just go back to kissing like before. After the movie ends she says her mom is outside to pick her up.
While we’re walking through our big house I’m realizing that I haven’t even asked a thing about Ms. Shelly the whole time. I was supposed to get more data so I could swoon her. How could I have bypassed this?
“Oh, I meant to ask. What’s your mom’s favorite color?”
“Huh?”
“The color she likes most.”
“Uh, purple I think. Why?”
“Just wondering. And the flower she likes most?”
And she responds, but I ignore her on accident because I’m thinking about the way her boob felt.
“Oh, cool.” I say when we get to the front door. “Hey, let me walk you to the car.”
“Ok.”
I open the door and squint when I don’t see Ms. Shelly’s Honda but instead a Mercedes. A Mercedes with Candice’s mom inside. I look at Noaudio as if to say, “What the hell? That’s not the hot mom I was dating you for…”
And I think she picks up on this because Candice says, “Sorry for tricking you, MemeLord. You started talking about going on dates, and I know you didn’t know Erica and I had changed seats on account of her botch, but you’re just so primo after your Updoo and recent Fetchy success that I just couldn’t bypass this opportunity. I hope you can forgive me.”
I feel extremely dull about all of this at first. Like a big dupe. But then I’m thinking, hey, that was a pretty nice boob. She’s no Ms. Shelly in the looks department but all of that kissing was plus plus and something I could see myself doing many times again.
“That’s ok, Noaudio. I forgive you.” We bypass any more kissing on account of her mom being right there and give each other a hug.
After she gets into the car we wave to each other through the window and I’m wondering why I still have a feeling of wanting something that I might not ever get, even though I got it. I got her. I’m dating Candice. That’s what I want now, right?