FADE IN.
INT. BUS – THE WITCHING HOUR
A HANDFUL OF PASSENGERS sit inside a trademark Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) bus: red and white, maroon seats.
Everything seems mundane at first glance. A UNIFORMED DRIVER at the wheel, an OLD WOMAN in the priority seating area. A COUPLE OF TWENTY-SOMETHINGS in bulky headphones near the back and a FEW GUYS in baseball caps.
But the windows reveal nothing but blackness. The bus isn’t moving…nor are the passengers. Hands frozen in midgesture, mouths open in mid-conversation.
Except ONE WOMAN munching a power bar. She’s in torn jeans, platform sandals, a tank top. Her name is TREN and her skin is cerulean blue.
A flash of light. ANOTHER WOMAN materializes. Older, in a pantsuit and heels, a firm practitioner of “dress for the job you want.” She’s in a foul mood. Her name is KHARYNA, and two massive horns sprout from her temples.
TREN
Took you long enough.
KHARYNA
I had to come up with an alibi. Stop eating! This is a crime scene.
TREN stuffs her power bar down her shirt.
KHARYNA sizes up the situation, sighing.
TREN
Is it really bad?
KHARYNA
Oh, we’re beyond bad, Tren. We’re beyond freaking bad. We’re beyond up-a-freaking-creek-without-afreaking-paddle bad. Do you have any idea how much trouble we’re in? What were you thinking?
TREN
Could you not fake swear?
KHARYNA seethes.
TREN (CONT’D)
Look, K, I did everything you told me to do.
KHARYNA
One. Person. I said, “Make one person disappear.” Not the whole bus.
TREN
I’m positive you said the whole bus. I got your memo.
She pulls a sheet of paper from her pocket and smoothes it.
TREN (CONT’D)
(reading)
“For stage two of your internship with the ‘Higher Power Job Placement Program,’ you will continue instilling a sense of eeriness and mysticism within humans on Earth, being mindful of not leaving any residual empirical evidence of the supernatural behind…blah blah…”
KHARYNA waves her fingers. A compact mirror materializes in her hand. She holds it to passengers’ mouths.
TREN (CONT’D)
“Your assignment is the 300 Bloor-Danforth bus in the city of Toronto, colloquially known as the ‘Vomit Comet.’ During its midnight run, you must make one, I repeat one, passenger randomly disappear into thin air…”
Her voice trails away. KHARYNA glances at her.
TREN (CONT’D)
Well, what did you expect when you’re not paying me? Even humans’ve figured out the whole unpaid internship thing is shite.
(sniffs the air)
No wonder they call this the “Vomit Comet.”
KHARYNA
If we don’t fix this mess, the “higher highers” will find out, and we’ll be frea..in a lot of trouble.
TREN
How much time do we have?
KHARYNA inclines her head towards the bus roof, listening.
KHARYNA
They’re watching the Downton Abbey Christmas special. About 45 minutes.
TREN
Yeah? I didn’t watch the final season. What’s going on, anyway?
KHARYNA
You wouldn’t believe it. Mary got a new bob and then Edith copied her—
TREN
She would.
KHARYNA
—so Mary told the viscount Edith was a fallen woman…we don’t have time for this! Tell me what happened here. From the beginning.
TREN
Okay. So after I got your assignment, I materialized on Earth, at the corner of Bay and Bloor—
KHARYNA
Tell me you did not get on the bus.
TREN
Well, yeah? I wanted to make sure everything was kosher.
KHARYNA
Are you an idiot?
She motions at a surveillance camera on the ceiling.
KHARYNA (CONT’D)
They stream the freaking footage to their headquarters! Meaning, the Toronto Transit Commission has, in their possession, the first video recording of a demigod in history!
TREN
It’s not like I got on the bus looking like this? I’m not stupid! I wore a disguise.
CUT TO:
INT. TTC HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT
A Code Red has just been issued. COPS jabber about a “missing bus.” TTC EMPLOYEES are grouped around a screen. They rewind security footage from the “Vomit Comet” until TREN enters.
FOOTAGE INSERT:
She gets on the bus wearing a Charlie Chaplin top hat. Her skin glows in its cerulean glory. Passengers stare.
END FOOTAGE INSERT
TTC EMPLOYEE
The hell?
BACK TO SCENE
TREN
I wanted to, you know, add some ambience and mystique.
KHARYNA
You didn’t think making a bus disappear into thin air was enough mystique? Sugar! Frak! Mother of pearl! You just had to tint your skin blue, didn’t you?
TREN
Hey, people with blue skin slap. Like Krishna. He’s the coolest of all of us.
KHARYNA
“Krish” doesn’t actually have blue skin. He’s just depicted as such in Indian art. And if you’d shown up to the Higher Power Orientation Seminar last month, you’d have known that!
TREN
Whatever.
KHARYNA
Back on track. You got on the bus. You better not have spoken to anyone.
TREN
Yeah, I may or may not have said a couple of super-subtle, mildly creepy things, just to add the slightest smidgen of atmosphere.
CUT TO:
INT. TTC HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT
TTC employees are still watching surveillance footage from the missing “Vomit Comet” bus.
FOOTAGE INSERT:
TREN is seated, still wearing her “disguise.”
TREN
I’m real sorry, but y’all gonna die. Like, now. I have magical powers and I’m about to send this bus to limbo.
A passenger turns to look at her. The others ignore her.
TREN (CONT’D)
Call your mom to say bye, tell your BFF you slept with her boyfriend, though it was for her own good. I mean, now we know he’s a cheater? Oh wait, that was me. You there, eat those Reece’s Pieces. There’s nothing to eat in limbo. Not that what I get in the hereafter is much better. Nectar and ambrosia? Like, do I look like a Kardashian?
END FOOTAGE INSERT
The footage flickers and cuts to black.
BACK TO SCENE.
KHARYNA
Okay, we can fix this. We send the bus back to Earth. We plant fake memories in passengers’ heads, that a hijacker in really bad Mystique cosplay diverted the bus to an abandoned lot and robbed everyone—
TREN
Yeah, we kind of can’t do that.
KHARYNA
What do you mean, “kind of can’t do that?”
TREN
I kind of already reincarnated their souls.
KHARYNA
What??
TREN
I didn’t want them to be stuck in limbo! It’s brutal here!
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK:
TREN has just sent the bus to limbo. She bends over the TWENTY-SOMETHINGS. They watch her, paralyzed and helpless.
TREN (CONT’D)
You seem nice, but those kicks are so extra. You’re too attached to worldly goods. How would you like to be reincarnated as a religious martyr? Or a messiah?
The TWENTY-SOMETHINGS stare back at her in horror.
TREN (CONT’D)
I won’t lie, getting crucified isn’t fun, but such is the price of spiritual enlightenment.
She turns to the OLD WOMAN.
TREN (CONT’D)
You. You’re gonna be Elon Musk’s next wife. I mean, someone has to?
BACK TO SCENE
KHARYNA is examining the old woman, waving her hand across her face.
KHARYNA
Why, Tren? It’s like you’re botching these assignments on purpose! I don’t get it. You used to be smart.
TREN
You used to be my friend! How could you nominate me to replace you! So
I can be the God of “Instilling a Sense of Eeriness and Mysticism into the World?” That’s the divine equivalent of a call center rep!
KHARYNA
You don’t think I know that? That I haven’t spent the past five thousand years trying to upgrade to ruling the Underworld or the oceans, or something with a modicum of panache? I’ve wanted out of this gig since you were in diapers.
TREN
FYI, I never was in diapers. I emerged fully-formed from the stardust of Bellatrix.
KHARYNA
Any time I try to do something different with my powers, you know, add some flair and elegance to Earth, I get in trouble. They’re still mad about Atlantis. Too “on-the-nose,” they said.
TREN
What? That’s insane. Seriously, don’t listen. You did a fantastic job with Atlantis. The Bermuda Triangle, though? And Jimmy Hoffa?
KHARYNA
That last one actually got me a promotion.
TREN
So basic. And you wonder why I’m not giving this internship my all! I never wanted this!
KHARYNA
What does it matter that I nominated you to replace me? It’s not like you have any ambition—
TREN
You never asked!
KHARYNA is taken aback. She sits next to TREN.
KHARYNA
I’m sorry.
TREN
No, I’m sorry.
KHARYNA
I guess I was only thinking about myself.
TREN
And I wasn’t? Truth be told, I still don’t know what to do with myself.
She sighs, looks up.
TREN (CONT’D)
So what are they going to do to us for fucking up? The Prometheus punishment?
KHARYNA
They’re not that barbaric. Not these days. But don’t rule out the Sisyphean treatment.
TREN
What did they make Sisyphus do again? Roll a big stone up a hill over and over, so he was forever doomed with pointless labour?
KHARYNA
No, that’s just an allegory. His actual punishment was much worse.
CUT TO:
INT. TECH STARTUP – DAY
SISYPHUS, dead-eyed in a button-down and hoodie sweater, sits in a hip open-concept office, popping gummy candies like pills.
On his computer, he creates a web-based quiz titled, “Which Dating App Are You, Based on Your Favorite Harry Potter Villain?”
SISYPHUS’S BOSS, a tech type barely old enough to shave, pauses at his desk.
SISYPHUS’S BOSS
Hey, Sis, you started that listicle, bro?
SISYPHUS
After I proof this quiz, boss.
His boss gives him a look.
SISYPHUS (CONT’D)
I mean…“bro.”
SISYPHUS’S BOSS
Don’t forget our team bonding exercise tonight. Jello-shooter coding. And then paintball therapy! Can’t wait for my inner child to kick the shit out of you, bro! Now that’s morale-boosting!
He blasts “SIS” with a paintball gun. SISYPHUS wearily wipes his face.
BACK TO SCENE
TREN waves at the passengers.
TREN
I guess we should clean this up. Should I vaporize the bodies?
KHARYNA
Their souls might want them back one day. Leave them be. They’re not going anywhere.
TREN pulls her power bar out of her shirt and resumes eating. KHARYNA puts her head on TREN’S shoulder. TREN offers KHARYNA her bar. KHARYNA takes a bite.
TREN
Now humans will know we exist. How are they going to explain a missing bus?
KHARYNA
You’d be surprised. The atheists—the Occam’s Razor types—will come out on top. If not with their theories, then their smugness and condescension.
TREN
We could make a run for it and avoid punishment, do the whole “fallen angel” thing. I hear Lucifer is doing pretty good these days, in spite of everything.
KHARYNA
No, we bite the bullet.
TREN
How bad can it be?
FLASH FORWARD – INT. TECH STARTUP – DAY
TREN and KHARYNA, sporting long bob haircuts, leather jackets, and mom jeans are seated at adjacent desks, sipping cold-pressed juice. KHARYNA’S horns have been sawed off and TREN is no longer blue. She unwraps a power bar.
TREN
Did you see the new ball pit by the breakout room?
KHARYNA groans and slams her head into the desk. TREN takes a bite of her bar.
TREN (CONT’D)
Hm, gluten-free.
CUT TO BLACK.